FAID
by Laume
Summary: Why Denial is a Good Thing. Extremely silly. Fanfiction authors abduct their favorite characters. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**F.A.I.D.**

**Why denial is a good thing.**

**WARNING! EXTREME SILLINESS AHEAD! WARNING! **

"Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Severus Snape yelled to the class in general.

"Uh…what for?" Ron Weasley unwittingly asked, causing Snape to take another 20 points for being asked a question.

Harry Potter and Hermione Granger sighed. Ron would never learn. This was going to be one looooong lesson…or so they thought, until a red light entered the room and each felt himself black out as they were whisked away to another dimension.

Albus Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel were having lots of fun in the afterlife. They were just on their way back from one of their adventures, in the mood for some of Perenelle's amazing apple pie (she had had 600 years to perfect the recipe after all, it ought to be good) when a red light appeared.

"Albus! Look out!" Flamel yelled.

Dumbledore, however, smiled, eyes twinkling like mad. "Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Nicky, it's another adventure! Yooohooooooo!"

Though he too could not help but pass out as he was swept through the dimensional gates.

Harry woke up with the mother of all headaches. "My scar!" he thought, but then he recognized that the pain was similar to what he felt after he had smuggled a bottle of gin to his bedroom in Privet Drive and had gotten drunk, with the excuse that the Dursleys were not something one could deal with while sober. Perhaps he should try it for Potions class, at least he would have hangover cures at the ready…

Speaking of Potions class…where was he, and what was Snape doing here? Whoever did this was going to have a zillion points removed.

"Ah, you're waking up," a cheerful voice said, "let's get you comfortable."

Harry found himself suddenly on a squashy armchair. Looking around, now that his headache was rapidly diminishing, he saw that apart from Snape, his friends and Dumbledore were here too. Wait…Snape, Dumbledore? He reached for his wand, but didn't find it because the author had wisely removed all wands before bringing them in.

"Who are you?" The Potions Master demanded to know.

"We are FAID, Sevvy," an amused voice said.

Snape nearly choked on the indignity of being called Sevvy. The Trio choked with suppressed laughter at the Potions Master being referred to as 'Sevvy'.

"Faith?" Dumbledore said, intrigued, and then, worried, "You aren't going to send me back, are you?"

Suddenly several people stepped into the light.

"Not faith, FAID. We are the Fanfiction Authors In Denial."

"In denial of what?" Hermione asked.

"Of a lot of things," one of the FAIDS answered. "For one thing, we all hold firmly to the idea that Sevvy here really loved Dumbledore, and only reluctantly killed him on his command."

Snape and Dumbledore choked. "Where did you get that idea?" Dumbledore spluttered, "Honestly, do you think I would commit suicide?"

The FAIDS looked slightly put out. "Well, yes, considering Sevvy had an Unbreakable Vow thing going on, and since you are his father – we are a bit divided amongst ourselves whether that is by actual blood or just in spirit – we kinda assumed you would rather die yourself then let him."

Snape's face was by now rather purple with rage. "I am NOT his son! I am the Half Blood Prince!"

The FAIDS looked ready to cry, but then stood in a circle, holding hands, and chanting:

"It's not true, Sevvy's not vile, we hold on tight to our denial."

After that, they all looked much happier.

"Of course, Sevvy. Whatever you say. Anyway, since you and Albus are so fond of each other…" Groans could be heard from all five visitors, "and you also are Harry's father…"

Now Harry turned bright red. "HE IS NOT!" he yelled.

The FAIDS smiled. "I must admit," their spokesperson said, "that we are divided on that point as well. But basically, we know you and Sevvy…"

Hermione interrupted. "What was Snape doing, teaching potions, anyway? He's on the run!"

The FAID named Laume grinned. "Because this is MY story, and I wanted him in the classroom so I could take you all straight from there."

Ron shook his head. "You are weird," he said.

"Why, thank you, Mr Weasley," Laume smiled.

"Anyway, we FAIDS have faith – no pun intended – that Severus is really just misunderstood, Albus isn't dead, Harry isn't just a moping teenager, and Ron and Hermione will end up together. So far, we've been right about that…"

Ron grinned as he looked at his girlfriend.

"You killed me," Dumbledore said suddenly, staring at Snape.

"Yes," Snape smirked.

"And I trusted you!" The late Headmaster raged.

"I always said that was a bad idea," Ron commented.

"SHUT UP!" both Dumbledore and Snape yelled.

"You weren't supposed to kill me! You were supposed to HEAL me from that poison so we could surprise Voldemort by kicking arse together!"

Snape grinned evilly. "Not bloody likely. Though it was convenient that you thought that, at least you froze the Potter brat and didn't resist me."

Upon hearing this, the FAIDS drew together again and chanted.

Dumbledore lunged at Snape, who retaliated by punching the old man in the ribs. Soon they were nothing but a big cloud of dust from which occasionally an arm or leg stuck out, only to be quickly drawn back in.

"BLOODY TRAITOR!" they heard Dumbledore's voice, as the bones in his arm cracked.

"CRAZY OLD COOT!" Snape yelled back, slightly muffled because of Dumbledore's foot in his mouth.

The FAIDS only chanted louder.

"You are so in denial," Hermione said, shaking her all-knowing head.

"Yes, we are," Laume said, a serene look on her face, "and we think its a good thing. We will hold on to our denial. We brought you here to confirm our ideas, but I think it's a good idea that you go back now, so we can concentrate on reaffirming our denial…and write more stories."

Hermione squinted. "What stories?"

"Fanfiction," Laume answered, already nearly in trance, "They're on the internet."

Five red balls of light emerged and sped towards them.

"When we are back, I'll have to get hold of a computer and check it out…" Hermione thought, as the light hit her.


	2. Chapter 2

**FAID: HERMIONE STRIKES BACK**

**Ok, since I have not been flamed and a few people actually seemed to appreciate this story, I'm not deleting it. In fact, I'm going to write another chapter.**

**WARNING! EXTREME SILLINESS AHEAD! WARNING! **

"Hermione? What are you doing?" Ron asked, seeing his girlfriend submerged in piles and piles of paper that were being produced by her 'sprinter' or whatever she called the strange device hooked to her…combuster.

Harry came in, looking annoyed. "That evil murderer Snape is still teaching potions! I don't get it! He should be on the run, and WHY are we not searching for the Horcruxes?"

Hermione emerged from under a mass of paper.

"Because we are in a fanfiction," she said.

"A WHAT!" Harry and Ron exclaimed.

"A fanfiction," Hermione said. "Those FAIDS we met? They write stories using the characters from their favorite books. Fanfiction, it's called. I've googled a bit and found the site they were referring to, and I've been printing the stories from it because of course, my computer and printer wouldn't work at Hogwarts, if you have read Hogwarts, A History, which of course, you haven't."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you. I climb through the portrait of the Fat Lady and instead of the common room, I'm in your room at your parents' house. What's up with that?"

"Well," Hermione said, picking up a piece of paper, "that's because we are IN a fanfiction. One of the FAIDS, Laume, is writing this story and has decided to just bring us in here instead of the common room."

Two jaws dropped.

"You mean…we're like…puppets on a string?"

"Yes," Hermione answered. "I've collected all the stories I needed from the Internet, though, so I suspect we'll be going back to the common room soon enough."

And indeed, just as she had finished her sentence, they found themselves, with papers, in the conveniently empty Gryffindor common room.

"I think we should call Dumbledore and Snape here too, or we'll never get through this pile," Hermione said, "and Laume will want us together some time soon anyway."

A smirking Author soon deposited the late headmaster and the criminal professor in the common room, where the Trio was already deeply immersed in the fanfiction stories.

"Eeeewwww Harry, look at this one!" Ron exclaimed, "In this one, we are all in a potions accident that changes us into small children!"

"Yes, there are lots of stories like that," Hermione replied, "it seems you and Snape especially are very popular for that, Harry."

Snape sneered. "Don't tell me people make me wear diapers!"

Hermione sighed. "Sometimes they do, yes. Depends on how old they make you."

"Well, considering he wasn't potty trained until he was seven…" Dumbledore taunted his murderer, who made to grab his wand, but discovered it missing again. He resolved this by kicking the old wizard in the shins.

"OUCH! You slimy brat, to think I trusted you!" Dumbledore tweeked Snape's nose, which, considering its size, was true torture.

"Could you two stop that and help us read through this fanfiction?" Hermione said, irritated.

Silence reigned for a short while after that, until Snape suddenly turned green and rushed to a corner of the room, puking his guts out.

"What? What did you read?" the others asked, reaching for the Potions Masters pile.

"NO! Don't touch that!" Snape wheezed, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"Its disgusting. You know what they make us DO?" He yelled.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "They make me share a bed with Granger, which is possible the kindest story in that pile. I've also been paired up with….oooooohhhh Harry, Albus, Minerva, Lupin, Black…."

At this point, four men stormed to four different corners, all retching.

"Well, the FAIDS aren't THAT bad," Hermione, the only one to keep her cool, remarked, "They are simply interested in stories in which you aren't an evil murderer. They seem to think you just need a few good hugs and cuddles to set you straight."

Dumbledore snorted. "A few good hexes and curses is more like it," the headmaster growled, "anyway, thanks to those Fairies…"

"FAIDS," Hermione corrected,

"FAIDS, I am now missing out on Perenelle's applepie. Do you have ANY idea how absolutely scrumptious her pies are?"

"No, because we aren't dead," Ron unwisely pointed out.

Snape glared. Snape had only three facial expressions, which were Glare, Sneer or Scowl. Rather limited, but he found it worked well enough for him.

He hated people who had more facial expressions. He considered that extravagant and Snape hated extravagance. He did secretly like Ron, because Ron only had two facial expressions: Angry and Clueless. Then again, he was also jealous of Ron for having less facial expressions then Snape.

To make himself feel better, he smashed a plate over Dumbledore's head. The dead man walked away annoyed. After all, he was already dead, what did Snape think he could accomplish by such an action. Nevertheless, it called for revenge, so he picked up Neville's toad and threw it in Snapes face.

"TREVOR!" Neville yelled, rushing down the stairs. He picked up his toad and vanished in thin air.

"Anyway," Hermione resumed, "Those FAIDS are in denial. I think the only way to get out of this story is to give in to their denial."

Four blank faces. Except for Snape, who couldn't do blank, but was glad that Ron now also had three facial expressions.

"I mean," Hermione went on, "that to escape this story and return to our business of being dead, on the run, and chasing horcruxes, we have to trick the FAIDS into believing we are exactly as they wish to see us."

Harry caught on and looked horrified. "I don't have to sleep with Snape, do I?" he said, going green.

"No, no," Hermione reassured him, looking at Snape's expression which was now murderous. But, being a murderer, it suited him very well.

"What we need to do is the following…

NEXT CHAPTER: THE RETURN OF THE FAIDS 


	3. Chapter 3

FAID: THE RETURN OF THE FAIDS 

"We have to do WHAT?" The shocked males stared at Hermione in disgust.

"Well, it's the only way," she said, completely unfazed, "We have to give them what they want. I have found their stories," she motioned to a large pile on the floor, "So if we study those, we should know what kind of behavior is expected of us. And then, when they are satisfied, they will most likely leave us alone."

Dumbledore picked up one of the stories. "WHAT? I think of this jerk as my SON?" he pointed to Snape, who looked equally outraged.

"I have always hated the old coot, why would I consider him a father? He's just as bad as my own father was!" the snarky ex-professor yelled.

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Very well, if you two can't act your way out of this, I guess we'll just sit here in the common room together forever, with the occasional visit from those chanting FAIDS, which, I am sure, will be great on our nerves."

"How about I just kill you all and escape?" Snape suggested evilly, "that ought to convince them."

Hermione sighed. "Go ahead. Shoot a killing curse at me."

Snape was stunned.

Impatiently, Hermione got up, yanked his wand into the proper position and stood six feet away from him. "Come on, a quick Avada Kedavra, please."

"But…" Snape started, completely non plussed.

A blueish light surrounded Hermione suddenly.

"See? A shield. Worse, an IMAGINARY shield that WILL stop the killing curse. We can beat each other up, but we can't kill each other."

Harry, meanwhile, was digging through the story pile.

"Oh Merlin, Snape as my adoptive father?"

Ron snorted.

"Shut up, you, at least YOU get to snog Hermione," Harry said, irritated.

Dumbledore glared at the story in his hand, willing it to burst into flames.

Then he lowered himself on a couch. "I guess there really is no other way out," he said morosely.

Snape scowled. "I suppose not," he said.

"Oh Merlin," they groaned together.

Hermione looked at them with something akin to sympathy in her eyes.

"I know, it'll be hard, but you two are very good actors, you'll pull it off," she encouraged, "just read through those stories and…well…act them out."

Three days later found Hermione director of the weirdest acting class in the world.

"No, no, it's still not entirely believable," she said, shaking her head, looking at Dumbledore and Snape who were awkwardly putting their arms around each other. Three days had gone a long way to enable them to wipe the thoroughly disgusted look off their faces whenever they looked at each other, but the hugging stuff was causing huge trouble.

"Noooo Snape, you have to pretend to actually LIKE it. Wrap your arms around his waist and put your head on his shoulder. Headmaster, put one arm around his shoulders and one just below, on his back. AND STAND CLOSER while you do that," she yelled in exasperation when the men still tried to touch as little of each other as possible.

Ron and Harry collapsed in helpless laughter.

"Hermione's 7 steps for effective hugging," Harry snickered.

"Step one: make sure you are within reach," Ron supplied.

"Shut up you two," Hermione said, "you aren't helping. Now, professors. Each of you take one step forwards. Yes, like that."

"Ewch," Snape said, or rather grunted, "How long must we stay like this? His beard is tickling and quite honestly, necrophilia just isn't my thing."

That earned him a firm swat to the back of his head from an irate late headmaster who took offense at that remark.

"If it's not your thing, you shouldn't KILL PEOPLE!" the headmaster screeched.

Snape cringed. "Would you remember my ear is currently less then 7 inches from your mouth? No need to shout."

Hermione sighed. "Very well, you can let go now."

They took less then .0001 of a second to comply.

"Now. Snape. Harry." They looked at her in horror.

"You two need to act out a believable father/son relationship. Fortunately, not all FAIDS insist on hugging a lot, but pats on the back and arms around shoulders are a necessity. Snape, you cannot call Harry a spoiled brat, Gryffindors Golden Boy or any other name to insult him."

Harry smirked, until Hermione addressed him. "Harry, you cannot call Snape a greasy git, a no good death eater, or anything like that."

"Why can't I call him a spoiled brat?"

"Why can't I call him a greasy git?"

Duel protests caused Hermione to groan.

"Because Harry isn't a spoiled brat, because Snape is…well, it's not polite to comment on people's looks, and BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE UNLESS YOU COOPERATE!"

She didn't get any further because Ron chose that precise moment to snog her senseless.

"RON!" she gasped, after catching her breath.

"Well, you did say we have to cooperate to get out of here, and since those Fairies expect you and me to, you know, date…"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "But we don't need to practice, Ronald, because we ARE in fact, dating!"

Ron went red. "Oh yeah. Well, it was nice all the same…"

Hermione gave him a smile. "Yes it was…"

Dumbledore, Snape and Harry watched this little scene with equally raised eyebrows.

"Their timing is a bit off," Dumbledore commented mildly.

"And she complains about US wasting time," Snape sneered.

Harry kicked him in the butt. "Don't talk about my friends like that."

Snape lunged at him, but Dumbledore pushed him back. "Don't touch Harry."

"Ooooooh don't touch Harry, don't touch Harry," Snape sneered in a very childish tone, "I wouldn't touch your Golden Boy, Dumbledore, not until he has killed off the Dark Lord at any rate. That's all you care about anyway, isn't it, using people? At least The Dark Lord is up front about it."

Dumbledore was about to reply when Harry butted in. "Using me?"

Snape sneered. "Yes, Potter, using you. You are only a weapon to him. He left you alone whenever you needed him most. First year, second year, third year, certainly fourth and fifth year, and now he's leaving you alone to find all those heavily protected Horcruxes."

Harry looked thoughtful. "You know, you do have a point there," he said.

"Harry! No, don't listen to him!" Dumbledore pleaded, "I always had your best interest at heart, Harry."

"Like when you left me with the Dursleys?" Harry asked coldly, "when you abandoned me to ten years of abuse?"

"The bloodprotection…" Dumbledore began, but Harry grabbed the front of his robes and shook him.

"Bloodprotection my ass! If I didn't have blood left in my body there wouldn't be much to protect, now, would there?"

Snape watched the display with interest, until Harry turned on him.

"You didn't do much either, you bloody git! At least you had the excuse that you are a traitor though."

Snape fumed. "I resent that! I was never a traitor! I never abandoned the Dark Lord!"

Harry punched him in the nose while kicking Dumbledore in the shins at the same time.

He ducked when they both tried to retaliate, but only succeeded in hitting each other full in the face.

Soon all three were pulling out each others hair, kicking each others ribs and bruising each others face, while Hermione looked at them and repeatedly banged her head on a table.


	4. Chapter 4

FAID: THE RETURN OF THE FAIDS, PART TWO 

"Ok, let me go over this again," Dumbledore said, while Ron bandaged Hermione's head, "He is my son. He killed me on my own command because I would rather die then see him die from his Vow. He thinks of me as his father. Have I got it right so far?"

Hermione nodded weakly, wishing she had a headache potion. The Author apparently took pity on her, because a vial appeared next to her that moment. She gratefully drank it.

"Excellent," Dumbledore said, happily, "Then I suppose I should act like his father, right?"

Hermione nodded again.

"Good. You are grounded," Dumbledore spat at Snape, "for the rest of your life. That'll teach you to ally with evil dark lords."

Snape just sneered, not even dignifying this statement with a response.

Hermione sighed. "We're stuck here forever," she moaned. Harry and Ron began to look pretty worried now, too.

"She does have a point," Harry said reluctantly, "we should at least try, or we're never going to get out of here."

Snape sneered in a more thoughtful manner. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, but that was just due to overdosing on those lemon drops. Merlin knows what they put in those things these days. Hermione made a mental note to do a research project sometime to determine the influence the prolonged exposure (a century or more) to artificial flavouring had on someone's brains and eyeballs.

She got up. "You're all idiots. I'm going to my dorm to lie down for a while. If you want to continue beating each other up, then please do so quietly."

Hermione was woken from her nap a few hours later by chanting. She groaned and hid her face in her pillow.

"Its…..true…..vile….Sevvy….nial…" she heard.

"Eh?" she thought.

"Not a very intelligent thought," she then analysed. The chanting became clearer.

"Its not true…Sevvy's not vile…we hold on tight to our denial…"

"Oh joy, the FAIDS have returned," she thought sarcastically, "let's go see how well those fools do at trying to hex them."

The chanting became clearer and clearer when she walked down the stairs to the common room.

"It's not true, Sevvy's not vile, we hold on tight to our denial!" the FAIDS shouted enthusiastically.

Hermione raised her eyebrows at what she saw.

Dumbledore was sitting on the couch, holding a…CRYING? Snape in his arms, humming soothingly to him.

Hermione's jaw dropped to about elbow-level.

The FAIDS were watching the scene with happy smiles on their faces.

"I'm so sorry Daddy, that amazing Dark Lord…sorry, evil git Voldemort, was going to kill my little boy Harry, I couldn't let him do that…" Snape wailed.

"Shhhhh, Sevvy, of course you couldn't," Dumbledore soothed, motioning Harry over, who sat next to them and kissed Snape's forehead.

Hermione's jaw descended a little more, reaching her knees.

The FAIDS, however, were utterly delighted.

"We knew it!" they crowed, "We knew Sevvy isn't evil!"

Dumbledore rocked the man in his arms, cooing "That's my boy, it's ok my dear son, Daddy's here, Harry's here, everything will be ok."

Hermione's jaws snapped shut in an attempt not to gag TOO much at this display.

Laume stepped forward.

"I'm so glad you finally decided not to put up your masks for us anymore. Really, there is no need, you're all among friends here! We only have your best interest at heart!"

Dumbledore groaned. "At least now I realise how annoying that sentence is when you haven't been given any choice whatsoever," he complained, "I'm sorry Harry, I promise I shall never say that to you again."

Harry nodded. "Thanks. But I don't suppose you would have said it to me anymore anyway, since you're, well, you know…dead."

The FAIDS' faces fell and they started to chant again.

"Harry!" Ron groaned, "Don't say that! You KNOW they don't react well to that."

Harry eyed the FAIDS apprehensively.

"Guess not. They outnumber us 4 to 1 at least so we wouldn't stand a chance…"

Snape snorted. "Tell me about it."

Dumbledore blushed deeply. "That wasn't my finest hour either, your schoolyears, I guess," he said.

Ron smiled. "I see FAIDS can teach a lot of lessons," he remarked thoughtfully and completely OOC, which sent the FAIDS into new highs of ecstasy.

Laume hugged herself with satisfaction.

"I'm so pleased you saw reason," she said happily, "Now, I'm sorry but I have to return you to JK Rowling. Which means Dumbledore will return to his adventuring with Nicholas, Snape will return to the Dark Lord or to being on the run, and you three will go…whatever. Horcrux hunting I guess. In exactly ten minutes the red balls will take you all back."

With that, she and the other FAIDS disappeared.

Hermione stormed down the stairs. "That was AWESOME," she said, "You pulled it off!"

Snape got up from Dumbledore's lap and smirked. Dumbledore straightened his robes.

"When you left, we called a short truce and decided you were right, it would be in our best interest to co operate so we could all get out of here. We did as you suggested, read through those stories, decided on a scenario, and acted it out when we heard the first sounds of chanting."

Harry nodded. "We were good, weren't we?"

Hermione nodded. "It was amazing. If we weren't fighting a war and all, you three could go straight to Broadway."

Unfortunately for her, only Harry understood her remark and was flattered, the other three just stared in confusion.

"Anyway, it's been good to see you again, Sir," Harry said to Dumbledore, "Glad to know you're happy in the afterlife, and I expect to see you there soon."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I hope not, my boy, but in case I'm wrong, as we now all know I am on occasion, Nicholas and I will plan some great adventures that all of us can do together."

Snape banished the piles of paper on the floor. "For what it's worth, I'm not very happy anymore about killing you," he said gruffly.

Dumbledore smiled and offered him a lemon drop.

Harry hesitated. "Well, if you ever DO get tired of Voldemort, you could come to me," he suggested.

Snape nodded curtly as he saw the red ball approach to take him back to his dark evil day-to-day activities.

A second ball took Dumbledore, who waved merrily as he returned to adventuring and apple pie.

"Well, that was it," Harry said, as he dove into his red ball, back to Horcrux-hunting.

"Hermione…" Ron said, when they were the only two left.

"Yes, Ronald?"

"Did you notice that Dumbledore and Snape and Harry were all…civil?"

"Hmmmm yes, I did, why?"

"Well…do you think it's possible…that because we're in this fanfiction…that even outsmarting those FAIDS…wasn't our own choice?"

Hermione startled. "You mean…that entire piece of acting could have been written?"

"Well, didn't that FAID named Laume say that this was her story? I mean…if we're in a story…then how do we know when it ended? I didn't see a 'THE END' somewhere around."

"You'd think we were set up…? Could they have known what we were doing all along…?"

They looked at each other.

Naaaaaaaah," they said together, "No way. Let's get out of here."

Just when they dove into the red balls, they heard the distant evil laughter of a FAID…

THE END?

Are you sure?


End file.
